Hmm-mmm Olives

"I love the Santa Barbara Olive Company's bleu-cheese stuffed olives; PUT SOME STANK ON 'EM! [Rings bell]"

Black Swan

"If I go without Bev, I'll be a dead duck."

Snatch!

Shamon: That kind of made my day in a weird sort of way...But then again, I like to vomit.

Co-worker: Sorry, the picture is sort of blurry, but maybe that's better.

Shamon: Yeah, you don't want that AUTOTUNED.

Pig tails

"What? Don't make fun! They're from my cheerleading competition this weekend....at the Senior Center."

TiErsreverDnaTiPilf

Co-worker: I was putting together this desk from IKEA, and when I was almost done with it, I realized that I did it wrong. Two of the legs had to be flipped and reversed.

Shamon: Per Missy Elliott.

Keenan Cahill

"Not to be confused with Kato Kaelin"

Crazy Lady

Shamon: She's really crazy.

Co-worker: Oh rad.

Shamon: No, not the fun kind. The deflating kind.

Vanity Fair

Shamon: Did you get your new Vanity Fair?

Co-worker #1: Yes!

Co-worker #2: The one with Cher on the cover, right?

Co-worker #1: Yeah, she looks all weird. Why is she wearing a leotard?

Co-worker #2: To promote BURLESQUE I guess.

Shamon: It's a Cher-tard.

Shut Up!

Don't look down on me because I eat in the alley.

Funsour SNAGGLE

Stress relief

"Well, maybe my Mrs. Garrett hair-DON'T will cheer you up."

Funyuns Time!

Turn up the volume!

Playa Vista

By the way, I've decided that Playa [ply-ya] Vista is now Playa [play-ya] Vista, and I'm going to live there because I'm a Playa [play-ya].

Fancy Shoe Friday

Co-worker: Where are your high-heeled tennies?

Shamon: Oh, my back wouldn't be able to take them. Those are for a 17-year-old...or a tranny.

More cowbell!

Curry Colinisms

1) If you can't get a curry, the arrabiata is the next best thing.

2) The curry smelled so good...I almost beat her up to steal it from her.

Citizens of TANada

Defrost/Deflate

00001-11100011

Co-worker: Where's the robot?

Shamon: He's packed away. I mean...he's on a secret mission; that's classified.

Dental Fillings

"It's all RESEDA VILLAGE in there."

Parking

"If RETARDO MONTALBLAN hadn't parked so badly..."

Mango

Shamon: This is the best part.

Co-worker: It looks like an iguana.

Shamon: It doesn't taste like one.

Too Many...

"Too many clients on the dance floor!"

Sung to the tune of:

Father Knows Best

Do you think Adam's kids call him "Dadam"?

Randoms

1) K is kinkier than C

2) Hell to Uh-uh

3) Karanoid

4) For all your English to Afrikaans translation needs, check out these links:

- Google Translate
- The Slangtionary

Enrique

Co-worker #1: You know that new Enrique Iglesias song?

Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's lame.

Co-worker #1: I thought it was a girl singing it for the longest time until somebody told me it was him.

Shamon: Yeah, somebody told you that when you bought it!

Classic

"Oh my god, after 1 beer...I'm a cheap date. Talk about being Jewish."

Lightning Struck Twice

1) Injecting oneself with a chemical which then causes a reaction with the melanin in your skin where your skin then magically self tans = [being] "from the country of Tanada"

2) Overuse and abuse of tabasco makes you a "Tabastard"

High-Class

Happy 4th of July!

"I'm going to go sell fireworks tomorrow. So awesome!"

Curry Lunch

Shamon: Like the Fabulous Thunderbirds said, "Wrap it up, I'll take it."

Waitress: Whaaat?


Later when the to-go bag is presented to Shamon...

Shamon: Hey, there's a hot dog in here!


Even later, when valet tickets are being stamped...

Co-worker: Did you get validated?

Shamon: Spiritually? Emotionally?

Jonesing

Shamon: Excuse me for interrupting, but can I have some crack [aka sunflower seeds]?

Dolls

Shamon: I'm going to take some meds immediately!

Co-worker: Nice!

Shamon: AKA lickety-split

Add It Up!

"Sweet mother of Jesus, this thing ties!"

Whaat???

It's Business Time!

Double down!

"Does it come with a free pacemaker?"

Fancy Pants

Co-worker: "I like your sassy, Frankenstein pants"

Shamon: "I'm all disco apocalypse. I got a right to party too."

Easy!

1) “I don’t know what this stuff is, but I put it on my face!”

2) “This isn’t really a filter, you know? It’s more of a funnel.”

Classic

Co-worker: "Hey, what's happening?"

Shamon: "I am."

Two In A Row

1) Shamon: "I just chewed asprin, gross, bluh!"

2) Co-worker: "Anyone interested in Chinese?"
Shamon: "In what capacity?"

La-di-dah

Scoring toilet seat covers

"Now we're back on the safety train!"

Hooker Blues

"John Lee Hooker is giving me gas!"

The Tweekend

Co-worker: "Have a good weekend, Colin."

Colin: "I will. And, don't tell me what to do!"

Hoarding

Colin: "Does any one have folders for the meeting?"

Co-worker: "Yeah, I do."

Colin: "Thank God someone's a hoarder."

Release The Kraken!

Curry Lunch Buffet

1) "When it comes to curry, I don't wait for anybody!"

2) "Hi, my name is Colin, do you have a 2-car garage?"

Whuck??

Funsour Seeds Part 3

There are sunflower seeds in my phone.

Craig & Joey

Bananas

Co-worker: Do you want a vrot banana?

Colin: Oh sure. My tolerance for vrotness is way beyond anything you Americans can handle.

Colin vs. Shamon

Colin: What was it that I said yesterday that could have been a Colinism for the site?

Shamon: I don't know; I don't even remember this morning.

Colin: It's my goal to get 5 Colinisms on there, then I'll colonize the site!

It's Set To Ventucky

What? Jealous?

Booooze

Shamon: They always have strong drinks there.

Co-worker: Where?

Shamon: You know, the Elks Lodge or the Moose Lodge. It's full hammer time.

Funsour Seeds Part 2

Co-worker: Wow, you went through that bag of sunflower seeds pretty quick.

Shamon: Yeah, it's all chipmunk fantasy.

Alfa World

On the phone with Collie Dog: "Your front head light is out. If you were behind me on the PCH, I'd give you the big THIS."

Funsour Seeds

Shamon: You know what the good thing is about funsour seeds [aka sunflower seeds]?

Co-worker: Hmm?

Shamon: Some of them taste like steak.

The Loo

Shamon: "It smells like Bubbles' cage; it's been a long day"

Co-worker: "Long day, huh?"

Shamon: "No, the bathroom has had a long day."

An oldie but goodie

"I have a good memory; it's just short."

Beer

Co-worker: Did you get beer?

Shamon: What?

Co-worker: Oh, it looked like you were drinking beer.

Shamon: No, it's too close to driving time.